The Pokemon Saga continues…


The last chapter of our story ended abruptly before I had a chance to mention two other elements.  The first being that the richest stalker in the Poke-world – Bug Catcher – decided to pay me for the humiliation of decimating his Pokemon… again.  The second is that I decided that it was time to add a new member to my burgeoning fighting family.  This presented itself in the form of Spearow, a small flightless bird that runs very fast.  The running very fast feature doesn’t really help since if he’s not fighting, then he’s squashed into a Pokeball, but its finally a capture that didn’t result in the Pokedex flat out lying about its reluctance/inability to fight.

Grinding continues to get Spearow (because of its flightless capacity, I choose to call it “Dodo”) to a respectable level but I also keep moving as grinding is becoming a chore.  The encounters happen thickly and quickly enough that Dodo is up three levels before I give up the scenic forest for the underground caverns nearby Mount Moon.  The dark catacombs of rock and, thus, rock based Pokemon make for a pleasant change of scenery that is quickly broken as Bug Catcher has apparently been given more money to throw at me*. 

“There’s a lot of suspicious guys in here.” He says without a trace of irony.

My response is to open up the Dodo Pokeball and my wallet.

Bugcatcher’s opening gambit is the Weedle, he of the poison spike and the poisoning.  But if we can set aside, for a moment, the poison spike, I feel its worth mentioning at this point that Bug Catcher has just sent a grub against a bird.

Result:  My wallet’s a little fuller.  So is Dodo.

With my cash and Bug Catcher’s manhood, I feel quite a bit more confident and that confidence is put to use as I spy a pretty young lass, all alone in the dark, dark caverns.  A gentleman would never have such a precious thing waiting alone in the cold and so I go over:

Me:  “Hey baby, what’s a pretty young flower like you doing this far underground?”
Her:  “I’m waiting for someone!”
Me:  “And he’s just arrived.”
Her:  “Then let’s fight!”

…Maybe all dates in this world are Pokemon battles, I dunno…

She throws her first and ONLY Pokeball into battle.  One Pokemon?  Oh you poor doomed child.  Hmm, Clefairy eh?  Haven’t come across this one before:

“Clefairy sings a song.”
“Dodo is now asleep”

Uh oh…

“Clefairy pounds Dodo like he charges by the minute.”
“Dodo sleeps through it all.  No attack for you, sucka!”

Ack!  Not good.  Really not good!  Scooping up Dodo, I go to my recently evolved Whatever! and let loose some Nidorima action.

“Clefairy sings a song…”

Oh for fuck’s sake!  Surely I’ve got something that can wake him up.  A quick search through my supplies reveals that I bought some Red-Pokemon, a high-octane energy drink that gives your Pokemon wings.  Advertising aside it does the job in spades.

“Whatever! is now awake”
“Clefairy sings a song”
“Whatever! is buzzing on taurine, caffeine and jin-seng and wouldn’t fall asleep if you hit him with a truck!”

Fun fact:  Double Kick is super-effective on Clefairy as well.

So once again I don’t get the date, but then winning a Poke-Battle and not having to spring for dinner and a movie means that it’s not a completely wasted encounter.

The time is ticking down on my lunch hour (sob, oh the humanity!) and I’m getting ready to save when, and I swear to God, a bunch of pixels coalesces into a humanoid figure who hurtles down the rocky path at me.  Introducing… A member from Team Rocket!

Team Rocket Member:  “I’m a member of Team Rocket, a gangster syndicate of Pokemon!”
Me:  “Uh huh.  And what’s your deal?”
Team Rocket Member:  “We steal other people’s Pokemon!”


Me:  “Aaaaand?”
Team Rocket Member:  “That’s it, foo!”
Me:  “…Not exactly from South-Central are ya?”
Team Rocket Member:  “Don’t fuck with me, man!  I’m a dangerous mo-fo!” (Okay, might be beating the eubonics horse a bit here)
Me:  That’s rather brave of you.  How do you know I’m not Five-O?
Team Rocket Member:  “Um…  Top of the world, Ma!” and unleashes his Pokemon.
Me:  “I was just ask… Oh fuck it.”

And for the first time, I find myself with a pretty decent fight on my hands.  Team Rocket must hone their skills in the seediest dens of scum and villainy, at least as seedy as it gets in this Pokemon world.  Well, whatever it is, its effective enough for his Sandshrew to take Dodo with two hits.  Dodo is down for the count and I suddenly become familiar with the bitter taste of defeat.  Well, a bitter entrée of defeat, more a palette-cleanser of disappointment, a sorbet of failure.  Fortunately I have three Pokemon left and I know Sandshrew’s weakness.  Whatever! unleashes his Feet of Fury and Sandshrew is outta here faster than Fred Phelps at a Rocky Horror Screening and Costume Party.  Rattata is the next opponent who obviously didn’t have a chance to see just how quick his Sandshrew ally was dealt with.  Not to worry, he gets a double-kick education and graduates in Beatdown 101.  The Team Rocket Gangsta demonstrates a small amount of intelligence not often found in the criminal underworld and brings out Zubat, a flying bat with a mouth like a lamprey.  I’m pretty sure I could keep staying with Whatever! but those little batty bastards have been harassing me from the moment I walked into this cave and I’ve got an experiment I want to try.

Me:  Taserbait!  Go AC/DC on his ass!

Taserbait unleashes Thunderstruck (Okay Thundershock but this is cooler) and, like all the Pidgeys who have fallen victim to the yellow Shockmonkey, the attack proves to be super-effective.  Fortunately Team Rocket Gangsta’s are only packing Pokemon instead of, well, actual weapons.  They also carry a lot of cash.  Too bad they have as much sense as they do firearms as Team Rocket Member decides to hold out on me.

Team Rocket Member:  “Make me, foo!”
Me:  “It won’t be me, I’m afraid.  See my little yellow associate over there?  Well he’s the one you get to deal with when you don’t pay me my money.  I’m told its like having crocodile clips on your nipples that are hooked up to a car battery.  Only these clips chew…”

…and I walk away with about $330.00.  As it turns out, crime pays huge, provided you’re the last criminal left.

More later.

 *Seriously, is there an inheritance that I’m taking from him or is he in deep with the mob?


It’s Raining Pokemon

Actually its just the regular kind of rain.  The one that boasts the side-effect of making one wet.  But its also time to do laundry which also means its time for…


Well, it’s been a while since the last battle wherein I beat seven shades of shit out of Brock.  A quick reconnoiter about his town finds it dull and Pokemon obsessed so its time to move onto greener pastures and bend more Pokemon to my will.  Also to find new trainers to humiliate.

Turns out I don’t have far to look as I have to run a fucking gauntlet of every Tom, Dick and Harry who thinks just because they can trap a helpless creature in a tiny ball means they’re serious competition.

For those interested in skipping ahead, they’re not.

For those content to take the long way around, my first opponent approaches me and throws down the following challenge:

“I like shorts because they’re comfortable and cool to wear!”

Now normally this would be an excuse to once again utter a Double-You Tee Eff, but for anyone who doesn’t know me, I don’t wear shorts.  Haven’t worn shorts since the last time I went swimming and by the way, the last time I went swimming was around this time last year.  I wear TROUSERS and if this little shit wants to tear down my slacks then he’s in for a shock!

Oh…  Oh dear…

Anyway, prepared to defend the honour of my pants, I see what he has to offer.  Something called a Kakuna, which looks vaguely insect-like and thusly repulsive.  Also squishes like an insect under the might of Whatever!  Second is its little brother called a Weedle and while it sounds less harmless what they don’t tell you is the spike on its head dripping in poison!!!  And how it tries to jab this dripping poison spike into every-fucking-thing that moves.  Or how it just likes to lie around with its poison-spike poking up into the sky while it waits for a foot to descend upon it as it lurks in the tall grass.  It’s fortunate that beating the ever-loving crap out of Pokemon pays well as I quickly administer an antidote, then quickly administer a beat-down.  Looks like he came up short!


After tipping the little bastard upside-down and shaking him until he no longer jingled, I ventured off 90 bucks richer.  And it wasn’t long that my favourite creepy money-train made a reappearance.  That’s right…

Bug Catcher:  “Hey, I remember fighting you in the Viridian Forest!”*
Me:  “Really, cause all I recall is giving some dude in a straw hat and net a spanking around about five times”

And here comes number six!

Bringing out his usual “winning” team of Catterpie and Metapod, Bug Catcher tastes bitter defeat and vows to fight me again.  Which, as usual, doesn’t turn out to be far away.  But that has to wait as I suddenly I’m beset upon by a lass named Lass:

Lass:  “Hey, don’t you look at me!”
Me:  “Lady, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but there’s only four directions I can look in this world and you’re taking up one quarter of them.”
Lass:  “…Are you calling me fat!?”

Oh dang…

Fortunately I avoid a slap and instead settle her weight insecurities with Pokemon.  Which turns out to be not only definitive but also profitable as I take down another Catterpie and this time a JigglyPuff.  This time its Gandhi that answers the call to battle and the spoils of war is sweet as I get a level 13 Pidgey as a result.

A little further down the path, Bug Catcher catches up, just in time for me to take more of his money.  I am interested to note that he has upped his game with some pretty high level Pokemon.  Level 11 and level13, just two levels below mine.  This turns out to be to my advantage as higher Pokemon yield higher experience and I walk away with Taserbait and Whatever! at Level 16.  Then something odd happens.

A quick videoclip shows Whatever! thrashing about like he’s having a coniption.  At first, I’m worried.  Has the little guy taken one too many tackles, scratches and gusts to the head?  Despite his name, I find I’ve grown attached to the little guy and certainly wouldn’t want to repeat the grinding of another Nidoran to get him to fighting speed.  Not to mention coming up with another nickname.  In this case, it turns out not to be concussion but rather evolution as Nidoran grows into Nidorina.  Or Nidorama as I like to call him.  I’ve yet to see what benefits this yields.  Perhaps gills or an opposable thumb.

Putting Whatever!’s possible mutation aside, I continue to run the gauntlet and spot a girl on the horizon.  Remembering the last embarrasing encounter, I look away but not quickly enough.  She hurries over and:

Lass:  I saw the way you looked at me…”
Me:  For God’s sake, lady can’t a guy just go for one walk without landing himself in a sexual harassment suit?!”
Lass:  “…It was intriguing.”
Me:  “Wha?  What, Oh?  Ohhhhh!”

Alright!  Now we’re talking business.  Not one day out of town in my quest to be a man and it looks like I”m gonna be one by lunch!

Lass:  “You know what we should do?”
Me:  “Oh I have some ideas…”
Lass:  We should fight Pokemon.  Together!”
Me:  “…And that wasn’t even one of them”

Hoping against hope this is either a euphemism, or foreplay, I’m shot down with a large case of blue-pokeballs.  The good news is that I win.  The better news is I get paid for it, though now I feel cheap and dirty.

It’s about this time my laundry finishes and so I leave the game with two level 16’s and a level 14 Pokemon and yet feeling strangely unfulfilled.

*Further proof that they’re all the same guy.

…Wherein Our Protagonist Desires to Pillage the Surrounds Clear of All Pokemon Species.

Arty visual stuff today and some redesign.

I’m updating the floor’s evacuation plan today. Something that was drafted in 1998 with AutoCAD, I’m attempting to recreate in Visio. Which is basically scan a copy, make it into a picture and overlay it with colourful lines and rectangles. And I’ve got Chasing Amy running through my head.

“Get off me, you lousy tracer!”
“Your mother’s a tracer!”

First purchase this year was another digital camera, taking the number up to three. Photography is one of those things I’d like to do more often so, after purchasing a pouch to strap to my belt, I’ve taken it with me to get a feel for how it’s used as well as take some shots. It’s a Canon Powershot and its got Optical Zoom x 6, Digital Zoom by who-gives-a-crap-the thing-sucks-anyway, 640 x 480 movie rez, speed shutter settings (No agonizing waiting between shots, though that time where I got two photos with the girl in the Slave Leia costume, taking up approximately a minute and a half doesn’t warrant complaint for obvious reasons) and a variety of other options that I’ll be experimenting with to your eye-watering pleasure This is, by way of saying, a small cheat to update both the Livejournal and Flickr simultaneously.

It dawns on me that I could have used Blogger for writing and “kept it in the family”, as it were. But then I would have felt the need to complete the set by sourcing Google Video for my amusing stuff that I’ll be putting up here later today and Google Video, while funny, doesn’t hold a candle to YouTube.

…Although Google owns YouTube, so my obsessive-compulsive need for sets/collections is still going to nag away at me.

I’m adding photos to Flickr throughout this week. Link is on the sidebar replacing The Engine.

Speaking of sets/collections, Delia, upon hearing about my nimble dodging of the Pokemon craze, decided that it was integral to my development as a boyfriend that I play it. She is certain that I’ll enjoy it. Frankly, I don’t think she knows just what she unleashed. I avoided Pokemon, like Magic: The Gathering because I already collect enough things like comics and DVDs and as it is.  I need to look toward a larger domicile in the future to house them*. Not to mention that I’ve effectively given away three large crates of single comics just so I can stretch out in my tiny lair. And for those of you who know just how short I am, consider the full implications of what that means. 

Long story short (no pun intended), while I’ll play the game, I’m avoiding cards, comics, and other collectables. I seem to recall Greenie falling into this trap once and while he’s clean and Poke-free, I suspect he’s one Squirtle** away from a relapse. I will, in further attempts to put something online, be transcribing the tales of my Pokemon capturing and culling craze (with my own spin of course). Starting… 


My Pokemons

Well, here I am in Pallet Town and I’m confronted by an alzheimer-ridden Professor Oak who asks me who I am. With only seven characters to choose from, I decide to go with “BEN” and not make a big deal out of it. Then the Professor asks what the name of his grandson and, coincidentally, my greatest rival since birth is:

“ASSHAT”, I helpfully reply.

I’m not sure how rivalry works just after you’ve been delivered but I’m pretty sure it was shit like this.

I’m at home in a bedroom which, in terms of square metres, is the size of the house. The whole upper story is mine and its furbished with a Super Nintendo and a PC, no doubt with all kinds of porn. Yet despite this, I am, at ten years of age, heading out into the wilderness to make my fortune. Feeling like a character in a Tezuka manga I go talk to mum. Mum is fine with getting the house to herself. Dad doesn’t seem to be around, probably having ditched me since birth. With instructions to go see Professor Oak before I go, I flip Mum the finger and leave her to her life of miserable solitude.

Turns out the Professor isn’t in, but Asshat is. He’s here for the same reason I am: Free Pokemon. See it turns out Pallet Town is besieged on all sides by cute but wild savage Pokemon that would kill you as soon as look at you for the sheer fun of it. But I’ll be damned if I’m waiting around for the Prof to get back so I say a tender “Fuck you” to Asshat and walk off into the wilderness.
Not one step out of town when I’m already Pokemon chow. Fortunately Professor Oak, who appears to have forgotten that two children are waiting for him, turns out to be pretty spry when it comes to Pokemon catching. A wild Pikachu is trapped into a small palm-sized ball.

Hmm, wonder if that will have implications later…

Oak is pretty surprised to see Asshat waiting for him. Clearly he likes me best and wants to give me the best Pokemon, but Asshat is onto him and steals my Pokemon right there in front of everyone. After an unsuccessful argument to have the little bastard hauled off to Juvie, Oak instead gives me the mangy and likely rabid wild Pokemon he caught earlier. The Pikachu seems to have quietened down some at least and lets me handle it, though doesn’t seem to happy. Also, it turns out he doesn’t like the ball. “You should probably let him walk
around with you,” Says Professor Oak.

“That’s cool”, I say. Can I have that ball for catching other Pokemon then?
“Um, no. No I think I”ll hang on to that.” says Oak.


Well, I got myself the cutest little tazer in the world to keep the other Pokemon in line. I’m asked to give it a nickname and can’t help but feel a little hurt that a Pokemon gets more characters than I do. AC-DC isn’t bad and Mjolner, while cool, is hard to pronounce so I decide to go with calling him Tazerbait. With Tazerbait in tow, I head for the door.

But as it turns out, the aptly named Asshat wants to start some shit. Sure bitch, throw down!

I’m confronted by some wet eyed two tailed fox creature-thing and I start experimenting with some de-buffs in Tazerbait’s arsenal. Meanwhile it turns out while I was distracted by its two tales tvhat I forgot it has bloody sharp teeth. Tazerbait quickly learns that tactics are ineffective against mindless snapping fury and turns up the heat.

The lab smells of burning dog hair, but Tazerbait and I are victorious. After a good fifteen minutes belittling Asshat, his manhood and his mother I, high on victory, set out into the wilderness.

Turns out the wilderness hides a large flock of eagle/creatures called Pidgeys. Pidgeys look like they could carry me off as food for their young. Pidgeys also travel in large numbers, so large that I start looking around for Alfred Hitchcock in the background. But it also turns out that they are vulnerable to electricity and so the vast majority of this session is spent grinding Pidgeys with Tazerbait until he reaches level 9 and I’ve got enough deep fried chicken to be called “Colonel”.

Grinding gets old though and so I head to Viridian City and its fabled Poke-Mart. For all your Pokemon needs. I decide I need balls and then I decide not to every say that again. However a problem arises:

Sales Clerk: Hey, you come from Pallet Town don’t you?
Me: Yes. I’m heading out to seek my fortune and become a man.
Sales Clerk: I’ve got this parcel for Professor Oak. Can you deliver it to him for me.
Me: Oh! Um, well I just walked all the way from there and it would be kinda weird going back, what with the whole quest to become a man to go and me not being a man yet..
Sales Clerk: Oh! oh. That’s a right shame, that is.
Me: Guess so. Hey, can you sell me one of those Poke-Balls back there.
Sales Clerk: Sorry hon, fresh out.
Me: What?
Sales Clerk: Yep. All gone. But I reckon by the time you run down to Pallet Town and back, I’ll have some more in stock.

I curse the game designers for not providing me with the entirely rational retort of using Taserbait to burn her store to the ground. So instead I turn the game off rather than be exploited as my revenge. Say goodbye to your world!

…Until after dinner.

*I’ll be in the tent in the driveway
**Just because I avoided the comics, cards and cartoons, doesn’t mean I’m completely ignorant of the fad.