Shotgun Post

  • 19:31 Bond Twittery commences now with Octopussy. #
  • 19:33 And we’re barely through shooting the camera when Fidel Castro swaggers onto the scene, oggling cleavages over his, um cigar… #
  • 19:33 And the cunning disguise of the false moustache makes Roger Moore into a Latino #
  • 19:35 No it doesn’t. Canny Columbian Soldiers #
  • 19:36 Although apparently parachutes are standing issue for ground troops. Castro likes to be prepared. #
  • 19:39 Bond does the Death Star Trench Run manuever with a glider and a Columbian Missle Barn. And that stopped the Cuban Missle Crisis, children! #
  • 19:42 Ooh, they’re hunting a clown through a forest! Bit risky putting your best footage up front. #
  • 19:43 Oops, they cornered him. That’s when clowns are at their most dangerous. #
  • 19:44 …And the Stabbitty Twins didn’t finish the job. That means it’swounded and desperate! #
  • 19:46 Few things in the world are as unnerving as a clown with a knife in it’s back breaking through a glass door at your white tie event. #
  • 19:48 Oooh, a new pretty assistant joins MannyPenny at the front desk. “Ignore the old bastard and his roses. He’s got syphallis,” #
  • 19:50 M: Good morning 007, I think you’d know Jim Fanning, our resident art expert. #
  • 19:51 Bond: I don’t see how, sir. He’s neither a woman, nor a missile. #
  • 19:53 Oh Christ, Jim Fanning is the same guy you see who works as a Janitor at the FBI but still thinks himself ‘One of the boys’ #
  • 19:54 It was Her Majesty’s Clown??!! #
  • 19:57 Meanwhile, behind the Iron Curtain… #
  • 19:58 Okay, this is how Russian currency got wasted. Why buy swivel chairs when we can just make the WHOLE FLOOR rotate! #
  • 19:59 That way everyone can see the TV and nobody’s swinging on chairs in Russian High Command. #
  • 20:01 You’re mad General, I won’t sit still for this! Hey, who’s making the floor spin?! #
  • 20:02 NATO is decadent and will do nothing in the face of our invasion. Yes, because pushing the button takes so much energy… #
  • 20:04 Mad frothing Russian, General Olof had a full on sulkfest when he was told he couldn’t play with his tanks. #
  • 20:08 Bond: Cor, art auctions really bring in the ladies. Fanning: Quit it, Bond. this is my assignment. My first real assignment! #
  • 20:11 Oooh, oooh! Fanning tattled on Bond to M #
  • 20:12 Bond felching priceless art for fakes is exactly why they don’t let people handle it at auction! #
  • 20:13 And we’re off to India! #
  • 20:15 Bond, upon meeting his contact– a snake charmer: You may need this to play with your asp… #
  • 20:17 Wow, the hotel girl is really prowling for a tip… #
  • 20:18 Introducing our latest threat to the world: Khan. He cheats at backgammon #
  • 20:20 Apparently in backgammon, you can outbid your opponent like poker. #
  • 20:22 Ah, and introducing our strong freak de film. Mute, but he can crush dice to powder. #
  • 20:23 Capitalism saves Bond from a ‘heartbreaking’ encounter with a knife-man. I could write for this. #
  • 20:25 We’re hunting British Agents, fetch me my elephant gun. #
  • 20:26 Apparently no British gadget is a match for cold hard cash. #
  • 20:27 And speaking of gadgets, It’s everyone’s favourite curmedgeon and homicidal tinkerer, Q! #
  • 20:28 Oooh, M appears to have shipped Q to the colonies rather than take chances that his office will explode. #
  • 20:30 Further proof to my theory that Q is a twisted evil genius in British employ: None of his non-lethal devices work! #
  • 20:31 Waiter: Mr Bond, your table is ready #
  • 20:31 Bond: I didn’t reserve one. #
  • 20:31 Waiter: Your guest is waiting. #
  • 20:32 Bond: I didn’t reserve one. #
  • 20:36 Oh lordy, Octopussy’s got the sex part down of being a spy but frankly, that’s all she’s got. #
  • 20:37 Okay, I have to give full credit to Khan. Most villains go for the space station or undersea base. He’s just put all his money into girls. #
  • 20:38 And very little money into clothing. #
  • 20:40 Okay so we’ve got a strong freak Swami, a mad russian general, a backgammon obsessed art dealer and we still haven’t seen the head honcho? #
  • 20:42 Khan: Ah Mr Bond, nice of you to join us. You’ve met Magda (Octopussy) I trust? #
  • 20:44 Bond: If by ‘met’ her, you mean carnally? I mean I saw her coming and going. I mean I’ve met her, and now, technically, you’ve met me… #
  • 20:47 Bond: I presume you mean to torture me for information? Khan: Nothing so crude. We use curari and a mild psychodelic. Very reliable. #
  • 20:48 Bond: Which ends in permanent brain damage. Khan: An unfortunate side effect. But come, help yourself to our speciality; sheep’s head. #
  • 20:49 Bond: …You left the eyes in… I’ll take the curari now, thanks. #
  • 20:50 Okay they just had a shot of Bond’s revulsion, then a zoom in to the strong freak looking mean. I don’t understand, did he cook the meal? #
  • 20:53 Earlier- Q: Take this fountain pen 007, it contains a potent acid that will eat through any metal. Bond: To escape from a cell? #
  • 20:55 Q: No! To jam into the eyesocket of that Swami Strong Freak! <at which point security is called in to assist> #
  • 20:58 Hey Q, you know what really helps when you’re trying to follow a homing bug on a stealth mission? #
  • 21:01 Having the receiver make a loud beeping noise when you get closer to it. Q: I know, originally t was meant to explode when you were close #
  • 21:03 And what about the hidden mike that got interference from a hairdryer two floors away?! #
  • 21:04 Q: Well, if you were less interested in being a busybody, and more interested in killing the Empire’s enemies… #
  • 21:11 Bond escapes by the old British technique of pretending to be a corpse, then pretending to be a zombie… #
  • 21:13 And speaking of old British techniques, Bond’s been brought into the ‘Hunt him for sport’ gambit. #
  • 21:14 Wow! That’s one well trained ravenous tiger you got there… #
  • 21:16 Guys, we need to work on this whole ‘surround him’ concept. #
  • 21:18 Girl on a Tourist Boat Who Just Pulled Bond Aboard: Are you with our group? Bond: Of course not! I’m with the economy tour! #
  • 21:19 Ah crap, Bond just learnt that the island is full of women… #
  • 21:22 When you’ve been killing for as long as Bond has, sooner or later word gets to the dating circuit #
  • 21:23 Octopussy: You killed my father, Bond! Bond: For me, it was a Tuesday. #
  • 21:26 Oh! It’s Octopussy who owns the island harem. That’s different… #
  • 21:27 Female Henchman: You know what I was looking forward to most, working for a female boss? No form-fitting jumpsuits <cough> #
  • 21:28 Okay, a hired killer who really enjoys his work… #
  • 21:29 Q heaves an exasperated sigh while he tries his hand at fishing. Not enough killing… #
  • 21:32 OP: Who are you to judge! You kill for Queen and Country! Bond: Well, mostly for Queen… #
  • 21:33 Your ‘storming off in a huff’ says No, but your lips say Yes. #
  • 21:35 A buzz-saw yo-yo seems a novel way to kill, but it must involve a lot of fuss and prep-work. #
  • 21:36 For starters, you have to be up higher than your victim. And standing on a chair takes away much of the menace… #
  • 21:40 Ooh, sweet! He can do ‘Walk the Dog’ #
  • 21:41 Eeewww! Henchman got himself a face full of octopus wig-woo… #
  • 21:43 AHHHHHHH Fuck! Fucking Clowns out of nowhere!!! FUCK!!! #
  • 21:47 All our villainish players are at the circus. Their plans are unclear but clearly involve clowns… #
  • 21:52 Our plan is to detonate a medium yield nuke in Russia and blame it on Americans. Bond: And the clowns? #
  • 21:53 Heh, even Russians speak French if it means they have a chance to score… #
  • 21:55 Earlier- The Stabbitty Twins do the blindfolded spinning wheel knife throwing trick. The problem with that? #
  • 21:56 The Stabbitty Twins have been trained to miss. Which is bad when you want them to kill a guy… #
  • 21:59 Yes, Bond. You can’t steer a car if you’ve turned it into a train. #
  • 22:00 2nd Stabbitty Twin hasn’t noticed that 1st Stabbitty Twin has been missing for some time… #
  • 22:01 Ha! Bond in a monkey suit! And this time, not actually a tuxedo! #
  • 22:03 Oops, end of the line for General Olof. Fortunately there are villain redundancies in this movie. #
  • 22:04 I’m not sure what’s more impressive. Swami Strong Freak’s preternatural senses, or how quickly Bond got out of the gorillia suit. #
  • 22:06 Khan shoots at Bond 3 times in OP’s room. When she asks if she knows who that was, Khan says ‘No’. Smooooooth. #
  • 22:08 Crappy Indian scimitars, always bend like rubber in a fist-fight. #
  • 22:10 2nd Stabbitty Twin just realised Bond killed his bro and tries to knife him. How do you know he means business? #
  • 22:10 He’s not actually throwing the knife at him! #
  • 22:12 Nope, decided to take another go at it. Four goes in fact. All missed. #
  • 22:13 College kids taunt Bond. Fuck em, let me know how nuclear oblivion works out. #
  • 22:14 And now he’s getting crap from a girl in a phone booth. No wonder Bond hates the Russians… #
  • 22:15 Fair point to the Russians– their police know how to drive… #
  • 22:17 The villain’s car stalling as they make their escape is something they’ll laugh about later… #
  • 22:18 Seriously, the look on your face: Priceless! #
  • 22:19 American border guard finally gets a chance to fire his gun at something but, in the excitement, the part about aiming. Completely. #
  • 22:21 Oh no. No no no no, Bond you can’t be thinking what I think you’re thinking… #
  • 22:23 ‘Suspect’s wearing a clown suit’ and suddenly every guy in uniform is drawing arms and charing in. #
  • 22:24 Magda to OP: Bond will destroy everything! (As opposed to the nuclear warhead??!!) #
  • 22:27 ‘Folks, there was a small emergency, but it’s safe now. If everyone could leave the tent, please? Here’s some evacuating music for ya’ #
  • 22:28 No fortress stronghold can resist an invasion of CARNIES!!! #
  • 22:29 CYMBALLED! ouch… #
  • 22:30 Seriously, Swami Strong Freak’s bloody psychic! Red Alert! #
  • 22:31 Thugs with guns versus circus folk with elephants! #
  • 22:33 Bond, not having with going in via carnies, decides to employ the subtle art of a HOT AIR BALLOON WITH THE UNION JACK ON IT!!! #
  • 22:34 Worse ways to go than getting a facefull of female gymnast #
  • 22:39 And Q lands the balloon on a gunman, saving a group of nubile and very grateful gymnasts… #
  • 22:41 Bond, abandoning the balloon, opts to catch a plane. Bareback. #
  • 22:42 Khan to Swami: Got out there and get him! ‘Youfuckingwhat!?’ #
  • 22:43 …yeah it looked like he was wearing a parachute. Must have served in the Cuban Military Forces (see that! craft of writing right there) #
  • 22:46 Of course Russia denies any nucleur or clown related incidents. And Bond? Well he just made good friends with a woman and her harem. FIN #

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