It is said that there are two kinds of people: Those who have a zombie plan and those who don’t (we call them ‘dinner’). And let me tell you, I am freaking set as far as zombie plans go because not only do I have Neil’s plan, provided I can make the rendezvous by foot or jack a car, but I also have a fallback strategy thanks to Vanessa, Shareene and the fact that we’re near an army base. Of course said army base might be the spawning ground of the zombies to start with but that’s why the Plan A and B labels are interchangeable. I’m also proficient enough with long and two-handed sword to take a zombie head and I maintain that Prima Spada is, in fact, the perfect zombie martial art. Zombies shamble on straight lines toward you and Prima Spada works on circles and angles. The zombies won’t have a freakin clue!
Well that’s likely in most circumstances, but along came a little wrinkle called Dawn of the Dead…
Zombies could open doors and run bloody fast, kinda like velociraptors that ate brains and could turn you into a velociraptor with one bite.* They also weren’t distracted by what they caught but instead just leapt teeth-first after anything that moved in their field of vision. Perhaps most terrifying though is that these zombies could come for you at anytime. Like, say, when you’re fast asleep, just like in the opening scene of the movie. Now you may scoff at the notion of such a zombie that could outpace a Goggo-mobile but I’m afraid that it’s a whole new mindset of the 21st century and this idea has been introduced into the mitochondria so the threat is as real as the shambling zombie type. And frankly, even though every window in my place is barred and the doors are solid and deadbolted, the idea of being woken up by chewing sounds, only to discover it’s happening to me makes me wonder just how prepared I am. I don’t want to be eating brains right out of the gate. Fortunately there is a solution:
Introducing the QUANTUM SLEEPER, the bed for those of us too lazy to get up and go to the bomb shelter when The Big One comes down! Yes, you can mumble “five more minutes” when facing the threat of a tornado, or tidal wave or home invasion! Designed as a self contained environment, it runs of an independent air supply that lasts for 3 days, is covered in a poly-carbonite sheath, weighs about a ton and for an additional cost, can be outfitted with entertainment facilities such as DVD players, TV’s and can have a computer plugged into the power supply. It’s air-tight, has bathroom facilities, a communications hub and a plexiglass one-way window. It’s designed to resist nature’s fury so rotting muscles fuelled by unnatural hunger will be powerless against it. Even better, with the independent air supply, you can scoff at airborne viruses while those around you are transformed into unthinking homicidal maniacs who will chase after the straggling survivors, leaving your cocoon untouched until you emerge when things have died down.**
Aside from its obvious zombie repelling advantages, it does offer a couple of considerable advantages that almost make it worth the exorbitant cost: The fact that it can be temperature-controlled makes a pleasant alternative than installing an air conditioner. The entertainment facilities mean you can keep your warm spot and still watch Saturday morning cartoons. And I don’t think I even need to explain the benefits of the waste management system to those of us who have to go potty throughout the night.
Finally, and this is what sells the Quantum Sleeper as the finest in zombie-proof furniture, for a further modest fee, you can install gun ports, for those who sleep with pistols under your pillow. Or you can have weapons installed into the bed itself, controllable from the easy-to-use LCD touch display console.
Why build a fort out of your belongings when you can sleep in one? The Quantum Sleeper: Even if the Zombies know you’re in there, what good will it do them.
*Back off! This one is my idea and if I find a script out there about were-raptors or zombie raptors, I will know that you ripped it off and even a Quantum Sleeper won’t save you.
**Heh heh, Died down. Little bit of gallows humour there. I slay me.